So I have had this post in my head for about a month. To have it be exactly how I envisioned it I would have to download years of old photos. Let's just say that I have worked at it during spare moments and not been able to figure out how to organize all of my old photos and access them in Picasa so.... Here are a few that I was able to find but definitely not all the pictures I would have liked.
I have been surprised since I arrived in Singapore at how much I have missed, "my people." Since going to college I have always lived away from my family of orgin and had moments where I missed them but certainly been fine with our once/twice a year visits. I thought that I was the kind of person who did not really miss people....or if I did I was able to quench that feeling by annual visits.
I have lived almost all of my adult life on the East Coast. Manhattan first, and then Washington DC. Our friends in Manhattan have stayed close enough that we have been able to see them quite regularly. I really have lived almost my entire adult life in DC. I did a lot of growing up there. I had many joys, many sorrows, lots of growth, and made many friends. I felt a strong desire over the years to get out of dodge. I felt like I needed a "new start". Change of pace. So year after year Martin and I would contemplate moving and different ways our lives could change.
We finally got the chance to move to Singapore and I have found myself waking up in the mornings with some of the same feelings that I had right after the death of my dear friend Karl a little over a year ago. Right after his death I would wake up and have this wave of anxiety come over me. A wave that would wash over me leaving me completely dumbfounded that this was my (and more importantly his families) new life. A life with out a really good friend who was SO alive. A friend who filled my life and my families lives in so many ways. A friend who had been a good husband and father and was leaving a hole that would never be filled. The feeling would paralyze me some mornings because I would feel my own mortality and realize that nothing I did would ever make things be the same again.
I know moving across the world is not as final as loosing a dear friend but I did have a lot of those same feelings. I do wake up with a similar wave of grief. I mourn my little house in Kensington filled with friends, the summer I wouldn't spend with my friends at the pool, the sweet little friends my children had that were developed over the years, the preschool class Mary Esther would never attend, walking down my street and having 5 people drive by and wave or pull over to talk, visiting our sweet next door neighbors, the monthly visits from our Richmond grandparents, the quick call to a friend to relay the OMH moment of the day, the diet coke runs with a friend, my clients and their lives, waving at the mayor walking past our house, a strong sense of community, the bus stop ladies, the familiar sound of the train passing through the station..... dropping off daddy, the call from a friend I had since college, and all the other human interactions and things that were a daily part of our lives. I spent years developing (sometimes painfully) a family (in the larger sense) in Kensington. A family that I chose, a family that had supported me through some of the best and worst moments of my life.
I have done a lot of looking back, going through pictures, mourning that my kids are getting older so fast. I have missed each of my friends daily. I have missed the comfortable routines of friendships. I know that I have idealized the past few years of my life. I have forgotten so much of the hard that was happening while I was taking the sweet pictures. I have to try hard to go back and remind myself of all the hard that was taking place so I don't feel like I have totally screwed my life up by leaving everything that is familiar..... even if it isn't forever.
The thing that I am really trying to remember is that the pictures I take today will be tomorrows looking back. I will look back and wish that my girls were the ages they are today, I will look back and wish that our lives were so simple, I will look back and long for the day that I spent so much time with my little ladies, I will look back and wish I could hold Mary Esther's three year old body, I will look back and be amazed at the adventures we had, I will look back and think how great I looked at 35, I will look back and be grateful for the time I had to blow up my life and put it back together, and I will look back at my life at this time and be grateful for this moment of time.
I will not remember the messy house, the laundry, the never ending ground hog day feeling, the longing for home or even the constant whining....
I want to be able to live in the moment so when I do look back I will feel like I really lived in the present and enjoyed it. I won't have been living life so fast that I forget.
I have been surprised since I arrived in Singapore at how much I have missed, "my people." Since going to college I have always lived away from my family of orgin and had moments where I missed them but certainly been fine with our once/twice a year visits. I thought that I was the kind of person who did not really miss people....or if I did I was able to quench that feeling by annual visits.
I have lived almost all of my adult life on the East Coast. Manhattan first, and then Washington DC. Our friends in Manhattan have stayed close enough that we have been able to see them quite regularly. I really have lived almost my entire adult life in DC. I did a lot of growing up there. I had many joys, many sorrows, lots of growth, and made many friends. I felt a strong desire over the years to get out of dodge. I felt like I needed a "new start". Change of pace. So year after year Martin and I would contemplate moving and different ways our lives could change.
We finally got the chance to move to Singapore and I have found myself waking up in the mornings with some of the same feelings that I had right after the death of my dear friend Karl a little over a year ago. Right after his death I would wake up and have this wave of anxiety come over me. A wave that would wash over me leaving me completely dumbfounded that this was my (and more importantly his families) new life. A life with out a really good friend who was SO alive. A friend who filled my life and my families lives in so many ways. A friend who had been a good husband and father and was leaving a hole that would never be filled. The feeling would paralyze me some mornings because I would feel my own mortality and realize that nothing I did would ever make things be the same again.
I know moving across the world is not as final as loosing a dear friend but I did have a lot of those same feelings. I do wake up with a similar wave of grief. I mourn my little house in Kensington filled with friends, the summer I wouldn't spend with my friends at the pool, the sweet little friends my children had that were developed over the years, the preschool class Mary Esther would never attend, walking down my street and having 5 people drive by and wave or pull over to talk, visiting our sweet next door neighbors, the monthly visits from our Richmond grandparents, the quick call to a friend to relay the OMH moment of the day, the diet coke runs with a friend, my clients and their lives, waving at the mayor walking past our house, a strong sense of community, the bus stop ladies, the familiar sound of the train passing through the station..... dropping off daddy, the call from a friend I had since college, and all the other human interactions and things that were a daily part of our lives. I spent years developing (sometimes painfully) a family (in the larger sense) in Kensington. A family that I chose, a family that had supported me through some of the best and worst moments of my life.
I have done a lot of looking back, going through pictures, mourning that my kids are getting older so fast. I have missed each of my friends daily. I have missed the comfortable routines of friendships. I know that I have idealized the past few years of my life. I have forgotten so much of the hard that was happening while I was taking the sweet pictures. I have to try hard to go back and remind myself of all the hard that was taking place so I don't feel like I have totally screwed my life up by leaving everything that is familiar..... even if it isn't forever.
The thing that I am really trying to remember is that the pictures I take today will be tomorrows looking back. I will look back and wish that my girls were the ages they are today, I will look back and wish that our lives were so simple, I will look back and long for the day that I spent so much time with my little ladies, I will look back and wish I could hold Mary Esther's three year old body, I will look back and be amazed at the adventures we had, I will look back and think how great I looked at 35, I will look back and be grateful for the time I had to blow up my life and put it back together, and I will look back at my life at this time and be grateful for this moment of time.
I will not remember the messy house, the laundry, the never ending ground hog day feeling, the longing for home or even the constant whining....
I want to be able to live in the moment so when I do look back I will feel like I really lived in the present and enjoyed it. I won't have been living life so fast that I forget.
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| G's Blessing 2006 |
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| ME's Blessing Picture 2008 |
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| St. Simon's Island with some good friends |
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| ME and her Tinko.... |
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| Our van.... we miss you.... |
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| Ahhh... Richmond Grandparents... This brings a tear to my eyes. |
I struggle with living in the moment. I felt SO similarly in Singapore. I'm not good with change. The adventures and traveling that came with living abroad were a dream come true to me. But there were so many lonely days when I had to remind myself that. And now I don't remember the hard times at all! I find myself longing for my friendships and the simplicities of not owning things that came with living there. I've thought I was crazy but your post reminded me that I'm not.
ReplyDeleteAnd how cute are your girls! ME's blessing pic is the sweetest thing ever.
J, this post was beautifully written...thank you for sharing. It touched my heart. And, oh, how our babies are growing! Miss you...
ReplyDeleteThis post reminded me of this blog post... http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2011/06/27/diy-this-too-shall-pass-wood-poster/
ReplyDeleteI am going to make one similar. I loved it! I have been saying "This too shall pass" a lot in my head lately. That post has helped me strive to be a better mom. Hank waking up for the third time to nurse when I'm dead tired. I think "this too shall pass" and enjoy those quiet moments with him. Even if its at 2 in the morning. I love that she takes a quote that can seem negative and made it positive. Love you!
maybe i cried. a little. love that first picture:)
ReplyDeleteLane and I just finished reading Pollyanna together. In light of that, I am "glad" you wrote this post. I am "glad" you are living in the moment, but also realizing the blessings of the past, I am "glad" you are my friend. :) I love your girls, they are so beautiful! You are beautiful, too!! I am "glad" you are in this whole other country experiencing such interesting things, but we sure do miss you.
ReplyDeleteI so relate to these feelings Jonette. It's crazy how quickly time is passing us by and how I glamorize the life I once knew in little Salt Lake City. It is a wonderful life and I miss it DEARLY, but I am trying to realize this 'stint' of time for me and Blake is pretty amazing TOO. Somedays I wake up and ask myself, 'What is my problem?' I have EVERYTHING I need, yet I still feel some sort of void. And that void is being far from family, friends, familiarity and relationships. I often wonder how I got myself here to Singapore! I think that comes with getting married and moving all in the same year:) These are wild times. We are lucky to all have each other and we can EMBRACE these moments! Love you Much!
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