When Martin went to China last year for work, I bought him a book entitled "Customs & Etiquette of China". I read the book before I sent it off with him. A part of that book keeps coming back to my mind as I deal with the people of Singapore. It is the section entitled "saving face". The section was one of their "top tips".... "The Chinese are very keen not to be seen to 'lose face' and this explains many of their behavior patterns"....... it explains this in detail and then states that, "Equally, a foreigner loses face by becoming angry or upset. Impatience is seen by the Chinese as a serious character flaw."
These words stuck in my mind as I traveled China. There were SO many times when my personal boundaries were violated (there are so many people in China that personal space does not exist), my impatience flared, I felt angry and VERY upset. I was keen on not showing these emotions because I wanted to behave in a more Chinese way. I only showed these emotions one time (which was amazing considering how stressful the trip was) when a receptionist at the hostel we were staying insisted on keeping my passport to, yet again, let the Chinese government know where we were. I saw the horror on her face and I knew that, clearly, I had behaved in a way that she was not used to witnessing... although I have to say it was tame compared to they way I have freely expressed myself in the states :).
Fast forward to Singapore. All of my research from China has paid off in Singapore because we are living in a very Chinese neighborhood. Had I not tried to learn a little bit about their culture I would be totally befuddled by their behavior towards me and just behavior in general. In my book I learned, "It is not considered bad manners for Chinese to blow their noses between their fingers onto the pavement", may I add that they also have no qualms about hawking up spit either. I also learned that Belching is not considered rude.... and may I add other sounds your body may make are common place. Yet another lesson was about the importance of status..... Chinese are not always kind to their maids or their children... however are very kind to the elderly.
The biggest thing that I have struggled with is the idea of not letting my temper flair when I am wronged in public. On a regular basis people here shove, push, cut in front of, and are generally out for number one. Reviewing my book I read today, "Despite all the Confucian moralizing, Chinese people do not have a strong sense of guilt. For many Chinese, it is not so much a matter of whether something is morally right or wrong, but of can I get away with it; and if I get caught, what shame will this bring on me and my family?" I can assure you that pushing in line or rushing you to get a head of you on the MRT is easily gotten away with and most likely will not bring shame to them or the family because why..... Everyone wants to save face and not loose their temper! And this is where Jonette behaves poorly, causes many to loose face (including myself) and acts VERY un-Chinese.
I have finally stopped allowing people to be rude to me anymore. I have decided that I am American and will not try to behave Chinese in situations that call for words to be spoken... such as when my kids get trampled getting onto the MRT or when the lady cuts in front of me at the taxi stand etc. I have to say that I have felt a sense of exhilaration as I have calmly and politely asked, "What are you doing? Did you not see that we were waiting here before you? Could you please be so kind as to not knock over my child while you are rushing to get that seat?" I have really enjoyed the shock and horror on their faces as I have caused them to "lose face". May not be right but if it causes my blood pressure to stay at a normal place and I am being polite with my words I can sleep OK at night.
All of this is a lot of information leading up to a way that I saw "loosing face" play out in a horrific way at my condo last Sunday. We were coming up home from church and Greta and I were out a head of the rest of the family because we were quicker to the lights and made it across the roads before everyone else. As we came into the gate and rounded the corner I saw this blocking our path to the elevator:
This sign was not an uncommon sign to be up during the week because the painters have been painting the condo and they would block off entrances regularly. But I found it strange that the entrance would be blocked off on a Sunday because they don't work on Sundays. I glanced further and saw a police man, the first I have seen since moving to Singapore. Usually there are only camera's and you know they are watching you. I immediately felt alerted that something was wrong but still had know idea what it could be.
I went around to the other entrance for our condo and this is were I felt like I had on outer body experience. I noticed people crying, I saw a body (actually just the head and a hand), I saw a man step in front of me and say, m'am.... the child should not see this, I quickly pushed Greta behind me, and I tried to process what I was seeing. I turned quickly to leave and had a neighbor whisper in my ear, "He Jumped." I felt very confused and disoriented. We went up to the condo through the basement and made the children close their eyes in case we stopped on the first floor where the man was lying. We heard tales on the way up of an unhappy man who committed suicide.
After a few hours we needed to take the dog (house guest while friends are in states) for a walk. We went down stairs and saw the work men washing off the pavement. But what was interesting is what happened after that. On our walk there were several "work men" walking around the complex. They would ask if I knew about what had happened that day. I said yes and then they proceeded to tell me a story about the man going to get his water bottle and "falling". Accident they said. I was perplexed because that was not my understanding of what had happened. I asked again and they very firmly told me, "it was an accident." The next day it was all of the security guards that were peddling the same story in hushed tones. I finally called my local friend and asked her what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that the management was helping the man's family "save face".
These words stuck in my mind as I traveled China. There were SO many times when my personal boundaries were violated (there are so many people in China that personal space does not exist), my impatience flared, I felt angry and VERY upset. I was keen on not showing these emotions because I wanted to behave in a more Chinese way. I only showed these emotions one time (which was amazing considering how stressful the trip was) when a receptionist at the hostel we were staying insisted on keeping my passport to, yet again, let the Chinese government know where we were. I saw the horror on her face and I knew that, clearly, I had behaved in a way that she was not used to witnessing... although I have to say it was tame compared to they way I have freely expressed myself in the states :).
Fast forward to Singapore. All of my research from China has paid off in Singapore because we are living in a very Chinese neighborhood. Had I not tried to learn a little bit about their culture I would be totally befuddled by their behavior towards me and just behavior in general. In my book I learned, "It is not considered bad manners for Chinese to blow their noses between their fingers onto the pavement", may I add that they also have no qualms about hawking up spit either. I also learned that Belching is not considered rude.... and may I add other sounds your body may make are common place. Yet another lesson was about the importance of status..... Chinese are not always kind to their maids or their children... however are very kind to the elderly.
The biggest thing that I have struggled with is the idea of not letting my temper flair when I am wronged in public. On a regular basis people here shove, push, cut in front of, and are generally out for number one. Reviewing my book I read today, "Despite all the Confucian moralizing, Chinese people do not have a strong sense of guilt. For many Chinese, it is not so much a matter of whether something is morally right or wrong, but of can I get away with it; and if I get caught, what shame will this bring on me and my family?" I can assure you that pushing in line or rushing you to get a head of you on the MRT is easily gotten away with and most likely will not bring shame to them or the family because why..... Everyone wants to save face and not loose their temper! And this is where Jonette behaves poorly, causes many to loose face (including myself) and acts VERY un-Chinese.
I have finally stopped allowing people to be rude to me anymore. I have decided that I am American and will not try to behave Chinese in situations that call for words to be spoken... such as when my kids get trampled getting onto the MRT or when the lady cuts in front of me at the taxi stand etc. I have to say that I have felt a sense of exhilaration as I have calmly and politely asked, "What are you doing? Did you not see that we were waiting here before you? Could you please be so kind as to not knock over my child while you are rushing to get that seat?" I have really enjoyed the shock and horror on their faces as I have caused them to "lose face". May not be right but if it causes my blood pressure to stay at a normal place and I am being polite with my words I can sleep OK at night.
All of this is a lot of information leading up to a way that I saw "loosing face" play out in a horrific way at my condo last Sunday. We were coming up home from church and Greta and I were out a head of the rest of the family because we were quicker to the lights and made it across the roads before everyone else. As we came into the gate and rounded the corner I saw this blocking our path to the elevator:
This sign was not an uncommon sign to be up during the week because the painters have been painting the condo and they would block off entrances regularly. But I found it strange that the entrance would be blocked off on a Sunday because they don't work on Sundays. I glanced further and saw a police man, the first I have seen since moving to Singapore. Usually there are only camera's and you know they are watching you. I immediately felt alerted that something was wrong but still had know idea what it could be.
I went around to the other entrance for our condo and this is were I felt like I had on outer body experience. I noticed people crying, I saw a body (actually just the head and a hand), I saw a man step in front of me and say, m'am.... the child should not see this, I quickly pushed Greta behind me, and I tried to process what I was seeing. I turned quickly to leave and had a neighbor whisper in my ear, "He Jumped." I felt very confused and disoriented. We went up to the condo through the basement and made the children close their eyes in case we stopped on the first floor where the man was lying. We heard tales on the way up of an unhappy man who committed suicide.
After a few hours we needed to take the dog (house guest while friends are in states) for a walk. We went down stairs and saw the work men washing off the pavement. But what was interesting is what happened after that. On our walk there were several "work men" walking around the complex. They would ask if I knew about what had happened that day. I said yes and then they proceeded to tell me a story about the man going to get his water bottle and "falling". Accident they said. I was perplexed because that was not my understanding of what had happened. I asked again and they very firmly told me, "it was an accident." The next day it was all of the security guards that were peddling the same story in hushed tones. I finally called my local friend and asked her what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that the management was helping the man's family "save face".
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| The "accident" tape remained for days...... |
This was the offering to help the man in to the next life. It was left, only briefly, the next day. I did some research and found jumping from tall buildings was one of the most popular ways to commit suicide in Singapore and that it is a big problem. But... the Singapore government categorizes the suicides as "accidents" because the want to help people, "save face."
Yikes! Just for some extra international context to "saving face": There was a time when suicide was such a shameful thing for Norwegian/Scandinavian families that they would get rid of nearly all evidence/records of the person's life and never speak of them again. Case in point: Our great great uncle Ander (can't remember how many greats).
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Jonette how crazy!!!! And good for you for sticking up for yourself and not letting people be rude to you! Russians were a lot like that!
ReplyDeleteThat is a horrific story. So sad. However, you had chris and I rolling about your decision to not save face and to tell people not to knock your kids around. Oh how I miss you, and your "face."
ReplyDelete